In Honor of Valentine's Day

My cousin, Margaret, sent me an email containing the following and I thought that it was fitting for Valentine's Day:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)   1.  You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10     2. No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 3.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..-- Camille, age 10 4.HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8 5.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8 6.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.--Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure) 7. On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10 8.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? -When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7( Love her ) 9. The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.-- Curt, age 7 10. The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-- Howard, age 8 11.IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9(bless you child ) 12.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?-- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is ....... 13.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Ricky, age 10

 

Mission and Legacy

A big focus in the Art and Science of Love Workshop is related to "making life dreams come true". We talk about this area in regards to the life dreams that underlie perpetual conflict in couples relationships. And we end the workshop with an exercise called Mission and Legacy in which each partner is asked to share their life mission, the legacy that they wish to leave to the world, and to discuss how their relationship is or is not supporting this mission.

I was sent this video narrated by Alan Watts via Facebook and it made me think of the importance of life dreams. Please view it and let us know what you think.

Cheers, Mike Basta

Happy 2013 from Sonoma Couples Workshops

I tried to create this entry a few days ago and the forward slash key took on a life of its own. I had to quit the program to stop it. So here we are on New Year's Day and another chance to write. First of all, Happy New Year to everyone (although that seems to be select audience, so I should probably say "our loyal readers" rather than "everyone"). My colleague, Marcia Gomez, and I are in the process of scheduling three couples workshops for 2013. The first, January 26 and 27, is listed on our website sonomacouplesworkshops.com. The July and October workshops will be posted on the website soon. We also have have scheduled a Level One Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy for professionals on May 10 and 11. Our plan is to eventually also provide Level Two and Three trainings for therapists. We hope to continue to grow Sonoma Couples Workshops and ask that you spread the word to anyone that may benefit from the work we do.

In closing, one of the hallmarks for Gottman Method Couples Therapy is the focus on partners "listening to and validating each other's subjective reality" (meaning stepping out of one's position, taking in one's partner's viewpoint, and acknowledging what part of it seems understandable). One of the roadblocks to doing this has to do with "the fundamental attribution error", a concept stemming from the work of social psychologist, Dr. Fritz Heider, which suggests that we humans tend to over-value our own ideas and under-value the ideas of others. John Gottman says that it is the fundamental attribution error that causes us to think when we are driving down the freeway that drivers going faster than us are going too fast and that the ones going slower than us are going too slow. Although I do not know if Dr. Heider or Dr. Gottman ever had a conversation with The Dalai Lama, I do think the quote below takes concern regarding the fundamental attribution error to a different level.

Accepting differences and honoring our partner's dreams (especially when these dreams seem to oppose our own dreams) is not easy business. However, it is New Year's Day and anything is possible, John Gottman did groundbreaking research on making relationships work, and who can argue with the Dalai Lama. So Happy New Year, you may want to give this listening thing a try.

Mike Basta

Oops! I forgot to keep up with my blog entries!

2012 has been full of many life changes for me and this blog has been neglected as a result. To catch up with recent events, first our next Art and Science of Love Couples Workshop is scheduled for Saturday, October 27th and Sunday, October 28th in Santa Rosa, CA. We still have space, but early registration ends after October 6th. Please encourage any couples who are struggling or that just want to enhance their relationship to attend. To register for the workshop please visit: http://sonomacouplesworkshops.com/sCW_registration.php


Also, John Gottman, Ph.D. recently released a new book, What Makes Love Last?, that is worth checking out. For a preview check out this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh4oalnHedM&feature=autoplay&list=UUnT1R08f7FHLab3nB4f0AGQ&playnext=1

And, both Marcia Gomez and I attended a training over the past weekend with Dan Wile, Ph.D. His approach is very complementary to the Gottman Method and we strongly recommend that couples check out his book, After the Honeymoon. Here is a link to some reviews of the book on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/After-Honeymoon-Conflict-Improve-Relationship-Revised/product-reviews/0979563909/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Here is to a good rest of 2012.

Regards, Mike Basta

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

I found this image of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on the internet and thought that I would take the opportunity to post it along with a brief video that I did with the now defunct TV 50 in our Sonoma Couples Workshop office in Santa Rosa a couple of years ago.

For those of you that do not know about John Gottman's research on couples relationships, this clip will give you an introduction into the importance of the "Four Horsemen" as predictors of relationship failure. Although Dr. Gottman identified these behaviors through the rigorous study of  troubled couples, he has pointed out that these behaviors are indicative of trouble in any relationship, including that of friendships, work-based groups, parents and children, etc...

The good news is that with work we are able to change these behaviors by practicing their "antidotes". To learn more, view our website: sonomacouplesworkshops.com

Dr. John Gottman on Anderson Cooper's Show

Dr. John Gottman was recently a guest on Anderson Cooper's show. Click the link to view:

http://www.andersoncooper.com/2012/04/18/gottman-four-negative-patterns-that-predict-divorce/?goback=%2Egde_2468196_member_109083863

Marriage and Money Problems

For many couples finances are a source of significant conflict. Given the ongoing troublesome state of our economy, even couples that have previously collaborated well regarding finances may be having increasing conflicts around finances. I have attached a link from the New York Times regarding couples and finances because it raises some important points http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/31/your-money/marriage-maintenance-when-money-is-tight.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&nl=your-money&emc=your-moneyema2_20120402

However, my impression is that the communication techniques proposed in the article unfortunately seem overly simplistic. First of all, it is advised that couples resolve arguments about finances so that they do not come up again unproductively. This will be difficult for many couples given that 69% of couples relationship problems have been shown to be perpetual (meaning unresolvable). If issues around finances happen to be a problem of the perpetual variety for a given couple, conflict resolution and problem solving techniques likely will be ineffective for them. Instead, learning ways to have collaborative conversations about the deeper meanings of money will more likely help the couple disengage from conflict and be able to form tentative compromises. Secondly, Hendrix' mirroring communication exercises are suggested for a partner listening to difficult communication about finances from the other partner. Although this can be helpful, it should be noted that reflective listening techniques tend to not be helpful if the speaker is not mindfully managing how he/she brings up the issue, and how the couple collaboratively manages the potential escalation of each partner's physiology (using self-soothing as an antidote to flooding/fight-flight responses).

If these ideas (stemming from Gottman's research) interest you, please review our website www.sonomacouplesworkshops.com and consider signing up for a workshop with your partner.

Mike Basta