Bad Couples Therapy and How to Avoid It

Here is a link to an article by Dr. Bill Doherty with advice about how to choose a good couples therapist and how to avoid a bad one:

http://www.smartmarriages.com/badcouples.doherty.html

Marcia and I endorse his point of view.

Mike Basta

Recovery from an Affair

In her book, Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass has noted the increase in emotional affairs in American society. An emotional affair is characterized by the development of a close emotional connection with someone outside of one's primary romantic relationship, which is done in secrecy. Often emotional affairs never develop into sexual affairs, yet the damage to primary committed relationship can be just as hurtful.

Dr. Glass's book sheds light on how a couple can recover from an affair. Our workshops can be a part of that recovery. Dr. John Gottman, whose research forms the basis for our workshops, has recently released a book called The Science of Trust. His thoughts regarding trust in intimate relationships will likely have a significant impact on how couples therapists address affairs in the future. I am very interested to see how his ideas influence this area of practice. Also, below are some helpful ideas from couples therapist, Michele Weiner-Davis, regarding recovery from an affair:

I can't tell you the number of people who tell themselves early in marriage, "If my spouse ever has an affair, I'm outta here." And then in happens. Their spouse was unfaithful. That's when reality sets in. It's easy to think you will leave if your spouse betrays you, but when confronted with the reality of divorce and dissolving your marriage, the stakes are really high. It's not that overcoming the devastation of infidelity is easy, it isn't. But it can be done. In fact, believe it or not, most people decide to stay in their marriages after infidelity. The important thing is to address the issues that might have lead to the infidelity and get the necessary help to recover. Divorce isn't the solution, particularly when the unfaithful spouse is remorseful and devoted to changing. Here are some things you need to know if you are dealing with the fallout of infidelity in your marriage

1- Betrayal is in the eye of the beholder

Many times people want to know the definition of betrayal. To some, it is about having intercourse and other sexual contact with another person. To others, betrayal is more about one's spouse feeling emotionally connected to someone else- late conversations of a personal nature with a co-worker, or an on-going, intimate friendship with another person. To others, it is secrecy. This may involve secret email accounts, cell phones, Internet behavior, or an unwillingness to share information about whereabouts, spending habits, or life plans.

The fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each other's feelings. They don't always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels threatened or betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feel betrayed, you need to change what you're doing to make the marriage work.

2- Infidelity is not a marital deal breaker

Many people think that affairs signal the end of a marriage. This is simply not true. Although healing from infidelity is a challenging endeavor, most marriages not only survive, but they can actually grow from the experience. This is not to say that affairs are good for marriages, they aren't. Affairs are very, very destructive because the bond of trust has been broken. But after years of working with couples who have experienced betrayal and affairs, I can vouch for the fact that it is possible to get marriages back on track and rediscover trust, caring, friendship and passion.

3- Most affairs end

It's important to know that, while affairs can be incredibly sexy, compelling, addictive and renewing, most of them end. That's because after the thrill wears off, most people recognize that everyone, even the affair partner is a package deal. This means that we all have good points and bad points. When two people are in the throes of infatuation, they are only focusing on what's good. This is short-lived, generally speaking. That's because reality sets in and infatuation fades. If the betrayed spouse doesn't run to a divorce attorney prematurely, it's entirely possible and even like that an affair will die a natural death.

4- Temporary insanity- the only sane response

Because betrayal is so threatening to marriage and so devastating, many people feel they are losing their minds when they learn that their spouses have been cheating. They can't eat, sleep, work, think, or function in any substantial way. This causes another layer of concern and self-doubt which often leads to depression and anxiety.

It is important to know that finding out that one's spouse is cheating can be extremely traumatic. In fact, current research suggests that betrayed spouses exhibit symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is a major loss and as with most losses, betrayal is intensely disorienting and distressing.

5- You are not alone

Although when infidelity occurs, the betrayed spouse feels alone and lonely, it is essential to keep in mind that countless people have experienced the same problem and have felt the same way. This offers little consolation when one first learns about his or her spouse's affair, but over time, it can take the sting out of feeling so out of sorts. It would be wonderful if everyone upheld their marital vows, but the truth is, that doesn't happen. It should, but it doesn't. The good news is that there is a great deal of support available because many people have walked in your shoes and can be empathetic to your feelings.

6- It helps to get help

But beyond talking with those who have experienced infidelity in their own marriages, it helps to get professional help. Feelings that surface after the discovery of an affair are often so overwhelming that it is difficult to know what to do to begin to get one's marriage back on track. A good marriage therapist or a marriage education class can help lead the way. But be certain to seek help that is "marriage-friendly." Some therapists believe that infidelity destroys the fabric of a relationship which cannot be repaired. These therapists declare marriages dead on arrival. It is essential that you get a good referral if you want your marriage to recover. Read about choosing a good marital therapist.

7- Healing takes time

Although people naturally want to be pain-free as quickly as possible, when it comes to healing from infidelity, it just isn't going to happen. In fact, if things are "business as usual" too quickly, it probably just means that intense feelings have been swept under the carpet. This will not help in the long run. In order for a marriage to mend, it takes a great deal of hard work to confront all the necessary issues. This takes time- often years- to truly get things back on track. When couples enter my office and they've been dealing with the aftermath of infidelity for a year or so and they are still struggling, they think something is wrong with them. When I hear that, I tell them that nothing is wrong with them because the pain is still fresh and the news of infidelity is hot off the press. Yes, even a year after learning about betrayal isn't a very long time. Healing from infidelity is a slow process for most people.

8- Count on ups and downs

One of the most frustrating and confusing aspects to the healing process is the fact that just when people think things have improved and are resolved, there is another major setback. This is not surprising at all. That's because the path to recovery is not s straight line. It is jagged and beset with many, many ups and downs. I tell people that it is two steps forward and one step back. Unfortunately, when people have a setback, they believe that they have slid back to square one. This is not the case. Every setback is a bit different. And as long as there is a general upward trend, progress is being made. Maintaining patience is difficult, but it is absolutely necessary. Don't give up when there has been a relapse. Just get back on track.

9- Don't be quick to tell friends and family

It is important not to be too quick to tell friends and family about the problem of infidelity. If everyone in one's family is apprised of the infidelity, even if the marriage improves, family members may not support the idea of staying in the marriage. They may pressure the betrayed spouse to leave. So, while emotional support during this rough time is absolutely necessary, it's important to get professional help or talk to friends or family who will support the marriage and be less judgmental. Those people should have the perspective that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and as long as the unfaithful spouse takes responsibility to change, marriages can mend.

10-You won't forget, but forgiveness is a gift you give yourself

When there has been infidelity, people just don't forget about it. In fact, they don't ever forget it. What does happen is that memories of the discovery and the pain tend to fade. The thoughts about betrayal become less frequent and less intense over time. And the good news is that people should NOT forget because we all learn from our experiences, both good and bad.

And although people don't forget betrayal or affairs, forgiveness is still mandatory, not to let the unfaithful person off the hook, but because holding a grudge shackles people to the past. It is bad for one's health, both emotionally and physically. There is no intimacy when there are grudges. Life is painful because there is a wall separating people. When betrayed spouses allow themselves to have feelings of forgiveness, life lightens up. It is freeing. Love begins to flow again. Letting go of the past begins to make room for happiness in the present. So, forgiveness isn't meant for the unfaithful, it is a gift betrayed spouses give themselves.

Our next Art and Science of Love Workshop

Our next Art and Science of Love Workshop is scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, November 5th and 6th. We still also work as support staff with John and Julie Gottman (pictured with us here at their July 2011 workshop in Seattle).

Seven Year Itch

                                                                                               I found this article http://www.pressdemocrat.com/article/20110803/WIRE/108031092 on the front page of the Press Democrat earlier this week regarding the phenomenon commonly known as the "seven year itch", meaning the trend in the United States (noted in census data) starting in the 1950's for couples to divorce after about seven years of marriage. The author notes, as has John Gottman, that the transition to parenthood is often a factor involved in these divorces (census data also shows a cluster of divorces after about 20 years of marriage, but these seem to be associated more with the "empty nest" and transition to retirement). We strongly advise new parents to read the book And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by John and Julie Gottman. This book and the workshop, Bringing Baby Home (www.bbhonline.org) can be very helpful to couples making the transition to parenthood.

Mike Basta

Next Workshop: July 9th and 10th

We are currently in the process of signing up couples for our next workshop on the weekend of July 9th and 10th. We are also doing our best to get the word out to clinical social workers (like us) and marriage and family therapists that we are offering 12 continuing education units to these professionals (for an additional cost of $25) if they complete the workshop with their partner. We also offer the workshop at a discounted rate for mental health professionals. We believe that the skills and principles learned in this workshop and very helpful to couples and that mental health professionals are ideal people to pass along this knowledge. Please call if you have questions (707-758-1147 for me and 707-235-2423 for Marcia Gomez).

Michael Basta

Presentation to The Association of Family Therapists of Northern California

On January 7th, Marcia and I did a presentation on Gottman Method Couples Therapy to a group of psychotherapists in San Francisco who are part of The Association of Family Therapists of Northern California (AFTNC). It was a fun presentation for us to do and it was a real honor as AFTNC is the oldest organization of marriage and family therapists in the United States. To listen to a podcast of this presentation and other interesting presentations please click on the following link: http://archive.org/details/ThePracticeOfGottmanMethodCouplesTherapy
Mike Basta

Next workshop (for new and returning couples)

Our next workshop is scheduled for March 19th and 20th at Angela Center in Santa Rosa, CA. We have openings for this workshop and encourage all interested couples to consider attending.

We have been approached by couples who have taken the workshop from us in the past that wish to attend again. We offer discounts to returning couples. Please contact us via email at info@sonomacouplesworkshops.com or by phone (707-758-1147 or 707-235-3423) for details. We also encourage couples who have already taken our workshop in the past to consider another workshop offered by our colleagues with the Gottman Institute, Andy Greendorfer and Mirabai Wahbe, called Deepening the Gottman Method. This workshop is offered in Seattle, WA. For more information visit: http://deepeningthegottmanmethod.com.

Mike Basta interviewed by Dr. David Pittle

Recently Mike Basta was interviewed by Dr. David Pittle about Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Here is a link to his website and a podcast of the interview:

http://drdavidpittle.podbean.com/2011/01/25/the-gottman-method-michael-basta/

Valentine's Day at Safari West

Dr. John Gottman tells a story about studying at the Kinsey Institute (Indiana University) which is dedicated to the study of human sexuality. In order to help students overcome their inhibitions about talking about sex the institute showed films of every known mammal having sex (giraffes, mice, elephants, etc...). John was impressed by the practices of the porcupine. Before sex the male porcupine faces the female and soothingly rubs her face until she decides to lower her rear quills. The male would be in big trouble if he thoughtlessly started a sex act while his partner's sharp quills were raised defensively. Dr. Gottman proposes that we humans have a lot to learn from porcupines.

Last Saturday, my wife, Robynne, and I participated in an annual event at Safari West in the hills east of Santa Rosa. Safari West is a 400 acre park that is home to over 400 species of exotic animals. Once a year they host an event titled "Wild Jungle Love" in celebration of Valentine's Day. The event starts with wine and chocolate in the afternoon as a prelude to a guided tour of the facility on four wheel drive vehicles complete with enlightening and entertaining on the spot lectures about the reproductive habits of various animals. The day is then capped off with dinner and dancing in the Elephant Room, which is a showcase for some examples of the woodcraft of Safari West owner/creator, Peter Lang.

Robynne and I strongly recommend a visit to Safari West (http://www.safariwest.com/home/), and think that many couples would really like "Wild Jungle Love". By the way, we did get a glimpse of some African Porcupines, but the male seemed to lack patience and it did not look like a lucky Valentine's Day for him.

Mike Basta